I have a series of confessions to make today, but first, I’ve got bad news.
The bad news is that I lost my phone yesterday. I don’t even need to go into detail how disheartening it is.
The good news (yes, there is good news) is that it’s just lost somewhere here in the house where I’m staying at. I used it last night, so at least I can be 100% sure that it’s here and not in some airport and airplane somewhere. Unfortunately, I tried calling it but I think the battery’s dead, so I can’t trace it that way. I’ve turned my suitcase upside down, I’ve looked over, around, and under my bed and the living room couch, and I examined every corner of the bathroom and kitchen. I still haven’t found it and it’s really frustrating me.
I went out for a run to try to take it off my mind for a bit, and as I was running, a realization washed over me. When it comes to searching for my phone, my mind is focused, my time is consumed, my senses are fully engaged, and my emotions are heightened. But lately, I have to confess, when it comes to reading the Word and truly seeking God, even though I still manage to read it daily, my mind has been divided, my time has been shortened, my senses keep getting distracted, and my emotions have been lukewarm. This isn’t supposed to be about being able to check off an item on a list of religious duties, it’s about my personal relationship with God. And seeing it contrasted with my relationship with my phone, I knew that it was just wrong. So right there in the middle of my run, on top of a hill, I repented and cried my frustrations away.
How many times do I fall into this trap? A lot. And the bittersweet part is that despite my recurring half-hearted devotion, I know that God still loves me, but the reality is that I’m the one who misses out when my thoughts are always somewhere else. Here I am, seeking for answers, trying to find my footing, desperately wanting direction in my life, and yet the harsh truth is that my mind and my heart tend to wander all over the place.
It reminded me of the story of Peter walking on water:
So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, “Lord, save me.” Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?” And when they got into the boat,the wind ceased. (Matthew 14:29-32 ESV)
All was going great until he started focusing on the wind and the waves instead of Jesus. It’s a recurring theme in my life as well.
The funny thing is that I forget so easily! I had just written this in my journal last week:
“I don’t know where to go next…but You do.
I don’t know what to do today…but You do.
I don’t know what to do tomorrow…but You do.
I don’t know what lies ahead…but You do.
I don’t know what contribution I’m suppose to make in this world…but You do.
I don’t know how I’ll earn money over the long term…but You do.
I don’t know if and when I’ll be married and have a family and who my husband will be…but You do.
I don’t know how I can truly get rid of my bad habits…but You do.
I don’t know how I can be a blessing to others today…but You do.
I don’t have all the answers, Lord…but You do.
What I do have is all Your promises, and that’s what I’m holding on to.”
Maybe you’re feeling afraid today, or something feels off-balance in you, or maybe you’re just plain tired of seeking and searching for something…I want to tell you that you’re not alone. Sure, there are some days that we do have the answers, we know what to do, and that’s great. But sometimes, we just don’t. It happens, and it’s tough to get out of that place. But knowing and believing that we have something else to look at, someone else to look to…can make all the difference.